6 Signs That Your Relationship is Affected by Duality Consciousness 

1. Thinking That You Are Better or Smarter Than Your Partner

Whenever one of you starts looking down at another, there is dissonance. Relationships thrive in mutual respect and when there is complete equality.

The opposite side of looking down at your beloved is thinking that you are not as good or as smart as your partner and seeing yourself as inferior to your partner. Although it is extremely different, it produces a similar effect of dissonance and imbalance.

It is the feeling of superiority at least in some ways or in some aspects what stirs arguments. Arguments in a relationship are not about outsmarting your beloved (men may be more inclined to do this, yet many women can relate to this tendency as well). You may win, but if there are wins and losses for partners in a relationship, it inevitably throws your relationship off balance — a loss for both.

Danil and I like to look at partners in a relationship essentially as two legs of one body. If one leg grows longer, bigger, and “more important” than the other, good luck hiking through life :)! 

2. Reacting to Your Beloved’s Words, Actions, or Vibrations

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
— Carl Jung

Whenever we follow the pull to say or do something to oppose our partner, it means that our emotions are triggered and we are acting unconsciously — being ruled by duality. We do not always have the same opinions with our partners obviously, and that’s totally fine. This point is about being pulled further into the opposition to your partner’s view instead of reaching out to understand your partner and being respectful and conscious when responding.

Example: Jane has an issue with Bill not spending enough time with kids. Every time she tries to talk about it, Tim gets triggered and responds in one or more of the following ways. He could be pointing out flaws in Mary’s actions, calling it micromanagement, telling her about irrelevant but “good” things that he has done, or getting offended and walking away… Any one of these reactions or anything else other than a calm and respectful answer is a sure sign of him being ruled by duality and unhealed emotional wounds. It is very common for partners to get defensive, passive aggressive, or just hold on to frustration inside and withdraw. Not willing to see the issue because of being under the influence of emotions, Tim might tell Jane that there is no issue with that. She may try several more times to bring it up later. Yet, if he continues to react the same way, she may end up simply giving up and feel frustrated about it.

Tim feels that his worth is questioned or attacked when Jane approaches him with this, that he is not appreciated for the good things he does. He feels oppressed and wants to rise up and defend himself. Tim gets triggered and responds this way perhaps because he was judged and punished by his mother for many different things. He might not have any conscious memories of it, yet a strong feeling of opposition to being mistreated now always arises whenever he hears Jane bring up things she would like him to do differently. Tim gets sucked into this dualistic push-pull not because he is a bad husband but because of his past trauma.

Rejecting an issue is not a solution. If one of the partners is upset about something, it really helps to take a step forward and look for a solution that will satisfy both. It’s so good to have a conversation where one partner stays neutral and listens while the other one talks about the issue without interrupting. Supporting attitude really helps release tension.

Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.
— Swedish Proverb

3. Seeing Things Being Done in a “Wrong” Way by Your Partner

A marriage is like a long trip in a tiny row boat: if one passenger starts to rock the boat, the other has to steady it, otherwise, they will go to the bottom together.
— David Reuben

Now, whether it is about the right way to fold things, right groceries to buy, right things to spend money on, right way to peel a potato, hang toilet paper in the bathroom, or the right time to leave the house to bring your kid to school, it does not matter. It is about us disapproving and getting sucked into judging. Yes, your beloved possibly could improve the way he or she does things. However, having respect and compassion for a different way of doing same things instead of nagging or even feeling upset would be a lot more effective.

Couples who have been together for several decades and are actually happy agree that respect is a crucial element.

Having silent expectations about how things should be done is another side of this point.

Is your beloved not doing what every “normal” partner should do? Aren’t men/women supposed to do certain things? Yes, a lot of these expectations are gender specific and were inherited from our parents and society. It is not possible that every single one of our expectations could be met by our partner. If you think that some things are just common sense and your beloved should know it for that reason, think again.

It is having an expectation in the first place what is going to allow you to get triggered and pulled into judgment and separation. Clear communication is the key.

Could you accept that your beloved will continue doing certain things his or her way? Would you still love your partner?

4. Attempting to Control Your Beloved

So many of us feel that we should guide and direct our partners. Basically, it all comes down to our desire to control. What is my partner doing now? What should he or she be doing now? Usually it is caused by our lack of trust and by us not believing in our beloved, in his or her own path, and their Divine guidance.

In our New Age/mind-body-spirit/metaphysical community, it is very common for couples to get competitive with each other. Particularly, relationships are challenging for accomplished spiritual teachers who forget that their beloved is not the only student in their relationship but they are as well: “I’ve been meditating for 10 more years than my partner therefore I know better what choices he or she needs to make and I can direct my beloved to enlightenment.” This bossing around with good intentions can easily lead to either a breakup, a co-dependent relationship, or other complications where one partner is “way advanced” and the other one is “always behind.”

A lot of us agree on us heading towards Unity and Oneness, especially in relationships. However, a lot of us subconsciously think, “We have to be One. And that One has to be me!”

5. Feeling the Need to Please or Shield Ourselves from Your Beloved

The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.
— Deepak Chopra

A part of it has to do with our desire to be liked and approved. It is a typical Piscean Age parenting strategy — to reward kids for good behavior and punish or reject them for what parents see as bad. As a result, so many of us have low self-esteem and a mysterious subconscious belief that we need to be “good” in order to be accepted and loved. We get entangled in this myth so much that we depend on the outside approval to define ourselves. Some of us do our best to avoid stirring up any disapproving emotions in our partners, trying to please. This causes us to keep our true feelings about certain things deep inside. These feelings don’t go anywhere — they tend to build up until we face that stuff and start working on it.

Out of fear to be rejected, we close ourselves off, close our heart chakra, and shut down emotionally in the event that we are not appreciated or not treated the way we feel we deserve.

When we don’t know our own worth, we feel very vulnerable in our lives as well as in our relationships.

The next one is the last one and it is huge!

6. Allowing Positive Thinking to Block Our Vision of Things the Way They Are

Yes, you read it right. Positive thinking can be really helpful, and I’m not trying to dispute that in any way. However, many of us will try to deny the very existence of issues in our relationships. Just saying that things are great will not make any issues disappear. Without accepting things the way they are we cannot proceed to actually improve things. If we are attached to only seeing “the positive” then we are unable to constructively address “the bad” stuff and neutralize it.

In order for the GPS on your phone to take you where you want to go, it needs to determine your location first. It is required if you want to get directions from where you are.

Raising your vibrations to see a bigger picture is one thing. Yet escaping the reality and not accepting things as they are is another thing. It comes from the subconscious fear of having the “bad stuff.” The latter is a big issue. It can be a painful sore in our relationships as it often keeps couples stuck. We like to escape bad feelings and run away from the messages we are receiving — killing the messenger and blindly taking the desired for the real.

The key is to commit to acceptance, compassion, and neutrality so you can see things the way they are — not in a biased or dualistic way.

First step to heal this pattern is realizing that Unity embraces everything, good and bad. And remember that some of the most amazing things can sprout from poop: the dark side can hold the keys for a deeper connection with the bright side.