by Irina Litvin
Do you feel sometimes that the world is going nuts as it is shifting to the New Paradigm?
Do you feel that things are getting hot?
Do you sometimes find that your relationship swings from amazing to unstable?
Do you feel the squeeze getting tighter and tighter in your everyday reality?
You are not alone.
The world is no longer the same as it was 20 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 2 days ago. Change is the most constant thing in the Universe. Yet, this time is exceptional. All aspects of our lives are changing.
You can now access the internet in some of the most remote corners of the world.
We get overwhelmed with information available on our phones, tablets, etc.
We are also bombarded with all sorts of EMFs: cell phones, Bluetooth, wifi, and Smartmeters.
Our electronic devices have rewired our brains and the very ways we think and operate.
We are living during a mass extinction event — we are losing species at an unprecedented rate.
Weather patterns and climate are changing, hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, flooding…
Solar activity is outside the norm.
We are overstimulated, overcaffeinated, overworked, stressed out, and sleep deprived.
Yet, there is so much more that is happening. We are transitioning to a completely different reality, and a lot of it stays behind the scenes.
One example of that is that a few years ago scientists were shocked to find out that proton, a well-studied subatomic particle, all of a sudden “lost” 4% of its weight (http://www.nature.com/news/shrunken-proton-baffles-scientists-1.12289). Proton is a part of every single atom. It is everywhere throughout our Universe. This alone is such a major shift that completely changes our physics, the very matter our physical world consists of.
Emotionally, we feel the intensification of all sorts of oppositions and extremes — it seems to be everywhere from politics and international affairs to our very homes, and our relationships.
As we become more sensitive, more aware, and more receptive in this Shift of the Ages, we are a lot likelier to get overwhelmed.
While our senses sharpen up, it is only you who can bring in more love, meaningfulness, and harmony into your relationship and your life. A lot of you are doing it.
One of the tendencies you might have noticed is that as more people are awakening to a bigger picture, we feel the need and the push to do things ethically, respecting and honoring the environment and other people.
We feel that we long for authenticity and sincerity; we feel this immense craving for things to be true, transparent, and done with consciousness and integrity.
The Shift of the Ages is happening, and it is inevitable. It is happening everywhere though we may not be fully aware of it. It is happening within each one of us: from our cellular level to the highest levels of our consciousness, touching even the deepest corners of our soul as we are transitioning to the New Paradigm.
As our awareness shifts, so does our experience of reality. And, as a result of that, even our DNA can change as well. (Look up Dr. Bruce Lipton.)
More and more of us want to live our lives to the fullest, follow our calling, and harmonize our lives and our relationships. This urge is getting stronger and stronger.
It no longer feels comfortable being in stagnation.
The things that need healing come up to the surface and become more and more obvious in our society and within each and every one of us. Now is the time to break free from the patterns preventing us from living our lives to the fullest. Now is the time to form conscious relationships with the world, with ourselves, and with our beloveds.
One of the things still debilitating our consciousness and distorting our relationships is duality.
1. the quality or condition of being dual
2. an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something; a dualism.
It has been a huge and inseparable part of our culture, how we function and navigate through life for a very long time.
Duality is there in our culture, in sports, politics, religions. Duality seems to be virtually everywhere.
Duality is there in what each one of us is taught as a kid: good vs evil.
Them vs us: it appears to permeate the very fabric of our life. Yes or no? Right or wrong? Left or right?
Diality is a tool used by the ego. It serves a role. It has nothing to do with reality however — it is an illusion. Which side of the fence are you on?..
We can also look at duality as a contagious deep-seated habit, an addiction. Or it can be viewed as your karma pulling you into creating the drama of emotional rollercoasters and crippling your ability to see Oneness, to feel compassion, and to love unconditionally.
Let’s look at how duality seeps into our relationships.
You will be surprised to see how many of these patterns (if not all) are stored in our subconscious mind. For a healthy and happy relationship, it is crucial to examine our patterns, accept them as they are and not just see them as good or bad, in a dualistic way — there is so much more to it.
It is one thing to understand and embrace spiritual concepts with our logical mind and to love unconditionally a stranger on the street. However it is completely different when it comes to loving unconditionally someone you see every single day, someone who pushes your buttons like no one else, someone whom you are sharing your whole life with. It is so easy to get polarized. This is where real hardcore lightworking takes place, the nitty-gritty of spiritual awakening if you will.
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.
— Leo Tolstoy
Ceremonies, crystals, kirtans, global meditations, and Reiki could be extremely important elements of personal and global evolution. Yet the real test comes when we interact with one another in our relationships, particularly romantic ones. It is a playground and the most precious opportunity for spiritual growth like nothing else.
My wonderful husband Danil and I have been together since 2000. Our amazing relationship hasn’t always been that great. We had a lot of ups and downs with some of those downs feeling like the end of the world at times. We caught all of the 6 points we listed below being replayed by us in our relationship at some point. And we know from our own experience how painful it can be, how numb we can get, and how blind we can be to the needs of our beloved and even our own. Yet, we all start somewhere, and the best part is that you don’t need to wait for perfect conditions to begin. You can start improving your relationship immediately as soon as you notice that something is off and could use some improvement.
Truly happy relationships are the ones that grow and evolve — not the ones you put on a back burner for a while.
The more time you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.
— Amy Grant
Whenever one of you starts looking down at another, there is dissonance. Relationships thrive in mutual respect and when there is complete equality.
The opposite side of looking down at your beloved is thinking that you are not as good or as smart as your partner and seeing yourself as inferior to your partner. Although it is extremely different, it produces a similar effect of dissonance and imbalance.
It is the feeling of superiority at least in some ways or in some aspects what stirs arguments. Arguments in a relationship are not about outsmarting your beloved (men may be more inclined to do this, yet many women can relate to this tendency as well). You may win, but if there are wins and losses for partners in a relationship, it inevitably throws your relationship off balance — a loss for both.
Danil and I like to look at partners in a relationship essentially as two legs of one body. If one leg grows longer, bigger, and “more important” than the other, good luck hiking through life :)!
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
— Carl Jung
Whenever we follow the pull to say or do something to oppose our partner, it means that our emotions are triggered and we are acting unconsciously — being ruled by duality. We do not always have the same opinions with our partners obviously, and that’s totally fine. This point is about being pulled further into the opposition to your partner’s view instead of reaching out to understand your partner and being respectful and conscious when responding.
Example: Jane has an issue with Bill not spending enough time with kids. Every time she tries to talk about it, Tim gets triggered and responds in one or more of the following ways. He could be pointing out flaws in Mary’s actions, calling it micromanagement, telling her about irrelevant but “good” things that he has done, or getting offended and walking away… Any one of these reactions or anything else other than a calm and respectful answer is a sure sign of him being ruled by duality and unhealed emotional wounds. It is very common for partners to get defensive, passive aggressive, or just hold on to frustration inside and withdraw. Not willing to see the issue because of being under the influence of emotions, Tim might tell Jane that there is no issue with that. She may try several more times to bring it up later. Yet, if he continues to react the same way, she may end up simply giving up and feel frustrated about it.
Tim feels that his worth is questioned or attacked when Jane approaches him with this, that he is not appreciated for the good things he does. He feels oppressed and wants to rise up and defend himself. Tim gets triggered and responds this way perhaps because he was judged and punished by his mother for many different things. He might not have any conscious memories of it, yet a strong feeling of opposition to being mistreated now always arises whenever he hears Jane bring up things she would like him to do differently. Tim gets sucked into this dualistic push-pull not because he is a bad husband but because of his past trauma.
Rejecting an issue is not a solution. If one of the partners is upset about something, it really helps to take a step forward and look for a solution that will satisfy both. It’s so good to have a conversation where one partner stays neutral and listens while the other one talks about the issue without interrupting. Supporting attitude really helps release tension.
Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.
— Swedish Proverb
A marriage is like a long trip in a tiny row boat: if one passenger starts to rock the boat, the other has to steady it, otherwise, they will go to the bottom together.
— David Reuben
Now, whether it is about the right way to fold things, right groceries to buy, right things to spend money on, right way to peel a potato, hang toilet paper in the bathroom, or the right time to leave the house to bring your kid to school, it does not matter. It is about us disapproving and getting sucked into judging. Yes, your beloved possibly could improve the way he or she does things. However, having respect and compassion for a different way of doing same things instead of nagging or even feeling upset would be a lot more effective.
Couples who have been together for several decades and are actually happy agree that respect is a crucial element.
Having silent expectations about how things should be done is another side of this point.
Is your beloved not doing what every “normal” partner should do? Aren’t men/women supposed to do certain things? Yes, a lot of these expectations are gender specific and were inherited from our parents and society. It is not possible that every single one of our expectations could be met by our partner. If you think that some things are just common sense and your beloved should know it for that reason, think again.
It is having an expectation in the first place what is going to allow you to get triggered and pulled into judgment and separation. Clear communication is the key.
Could you accept that your beloved will continue doing certain things his or her way? Would you still love your partner?
So many of us feel that we should guide and direct our partners. Basically, it all comes down to our desire to control. What is my partner doing now? What should he or she be doing now? Usually it is caused by our lack of trust and by us not believing in our beloved, in his or her own path, and their Divine guidance.
In our New Age/mind-body-spirit/metaphysical community, it is very common for couples to get competitive with each other. Particularly, relationships are challenging for accomplished spiritual teachers who forget that their beloved is not the only student in their relationship but they are as well: “I’ve been meditating for 10 more years than my partner therefore I know better what choices he or she needs to make and I can direct my beloved to enlightenment.” This bossing around with good intentions can easily lead to either a breakup, a co-dependent relationship, or other complications where one partner is “way advanced” and the other one is “always behind.”
A lot of us agree on us heading towards Unity and Oneness, especially in relationships. However, a lot of us subconsciously think, “We have to be One. And that One has to be me!”
The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.
— Deepak Chopra
A part of it has to do with our desire to be liked and approved. It is a typical Piscean Age parenting strategy — to reward kids for good behavior and punish or reject them for what parents see as bad. As a result, so many of us have low self-esteem and a mysterious subconscious belief that we need to be “good” in order to be accepted and loved. We get entangled in this myth so much that we depend on the outside approval to define ourselves. Some of us do our best to avoid stirring up any disapproving emotions in our partners, trying to please. This causes us to keep our true feelings about certain things deep inside. These feelings don’t go anywhere — they tend to build up until we face that stuff and start working on it.
Out of fear to be rejected, we close ourselves off, close our heart chakra, and shut down emotionally in the event that we are not appreciated or not treated the way we feel we deserve.
When we don’t know our own worth, we feel very vulnerable in our lives as well as in our relationships.
The next one is the last one and it is huge!
Yes, you read it right. Positive thinking can be really helpful, and I’m not trying to dispute that in any way. However, many of us will try to deny the very existence of issues in our relationships. Just saying that things are great will not make any issues disappear. Without accepting things the way they are we cannot proceed to actually improve things. If we are attached to only seeing “the positive” then we are unable to constructively address “the bad” stuff and neutralize it.
In order for the GPS on your phone to take you where you want to go, it needs to determine your location first. It is required if you want to get directions from where you are.
Raising your vibrations to see a bigger picture is one thing. Yet escaping the reality and not accepting things as they are is another thing. It comes from the subconscious fear of having the “bad stuff.” The latter is a big issue. It can be a painful sore in our relationships as it often keeps couples stuck. We like to escape bad feelings and run away from the messages we are receiving — killing the messenger and blindly taking the desired for the real.
The key is to commit to acceptance, compassion, and neutrality so you can see things the way they are — not in a biased or dualistic way.
First step to heal this pattern is realizing that Unity embraces everything, good and bad. And remember that some of the most amazing things can sprout from poop: the dark side can hold the keys for a deeper connection with the bright side.
Most of reflections of duality come down to the power of action being equal to the power of counteraction. The rougher the force, the more of a rift it creates in our relationships. We sway back and forth bumping and pushing at each other. Even our dearest people whom we are sharing our lives with might appear our worst enemies at the times of conflicts.
Do This Meditation:
Sit comfortably with your spine straight. Focus on your breath. Bring all of your awareness to here and now.
First visualize the perfect relationship. Feel how awesome it is to be in harmony with your beloved. Try avoiding projecting how different you want your partner to be. Rather focus on how you feel when things are perfect. Really allow yourself to feel that peace, harmony, and love.
Now, feel what your relationship is like right now. Allow yourself to feel all aspects of it: the things you love, the things you would love to be different, and everything in between. Take your time embracing all of the details, all of the pains and the joys of where your relationship is right now.
Next, visualize that you are shifting in a fluid and easy way right from where you are now to the more harmonious state you visualized before. Realize that you are being naturally and effortlessly pulled in that direction. Just like water running downstream, feel and see how you are gracefully transitioning to the state where you are thrilled with joy of being in a relationship with your beloved. Be the connector, the bridge, the channel of the flow shifting you to the relationship you know you deserve. Be that flow. Really allow yourself to feel it.
Finish by taking 3–5 deep breaths inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth with a sigh. Allow each exhale to relax you into the flow. Let yourself trust yourself more and more with each sigh.
Also, set goals such as releasing the ego’s grip on how you see the world in a polarized way. Meditate daily on opening up to Divine guidance to be taking you towards the embodiment of more love, harmony, and Oneness in your relationship.
We all deserve to be happy. And there is a lot we could do. The whole Universe is on your side. You have all it takes to be happy and to have a relationship of your dreams!