by Irina Litvin
What is the most important element that keeps your relationship with the most important person on this planet, your soulmate, in harmony? What is the secret that makes your love and passion increase over the years and not fade away? What can make your relationship bullet-proof?
Without a doubt, it is communication. Great communication will make your love grow and your relationship thrive. Conscious communication can be very healing. Yet, impaired or poor communication will erode your relationship, ruthlessly erasing all romantic feelings.
One of the main reasons why many relationships fail is because of the issues with communication. It is either hurtful things you say or things you don’t say…Communication is the doorway to everything.
— Lisa Nichols
Let’s look at what healthy communication actually is. Communication is not just what comes out of your mouth. Communication includes all of your interaction with your partner. A lot of it is non-verbal. Consciously or not, our beloved feels and is affected by our thoughts, attitudes, and emotions towards them. The more conscious we are in our interaction with our partner, the more likely we are to improve our relationship. Conscious communication has the power to connect people on a very deep intimate Soul level.
So what are the aspects of communication that make a relationship thrive?
Unconditional Love is the core. It is the first pillar.
The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
— Stephen Kendrick
You cannot communicate with judgment and expect your partner to hear you. You cannot communicate with contempt and expect your partner not to insult you back. You cannot blame and project guilt and expect your beloved not to want to silently pack up their stuff and run away from you. It is only when you love and accept your partner the way they are, unconditionally, that you can expect your point to be understood and taken into consideration. Love can transcend all things and dissolve all misunderstandings.
Compassion is the second pillar.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
— Dalai Lama XIV
It is what we need in order to truly understand our partner and realize that the experiences they have had in the past might be causing them to be the way they are today. Compassion helps us to stop judging and to accept our beloveds the way they are. It allows us to see rather than project our vision. Compassion guides us to help rather than challenge our beloved. Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves, with acceptance and forgiveness of everything we have ever done.
Gratitude is the third pillar.
Everyone enjoys being acknowledged and appreciated. Sometimes even the simplest act of gratitude can change someone’s entire day. Take the time to recognize and value the people around you and appreciate those who make a difference in your lives.
― Roy T. Bennett
Without appreciating your beloved and what they do from the bottom of your heart, how are you going to fuel your compassion and love for them? Being grateful for the little things, being grateful for big things, being grateful for all things “good” and “bad” is what allows you to appreciate every moment you are together. It allows you to move beyond the patterns limiting your vision. This will help you realize that you indeed can make more empowering choices as you interact with your partner rather than following the same old tracks leading you to the same result over and over again. There is nothing as liberating as gratitude. It is a key to every door.
Respect is the fourth pillar.
Respect is love in action.
— Bangambiki Habyarimana
Respect allows you to see your partner as your equal no matter what and to give them a chance to freely express themselves. Respecting your partner allows you to support them no matter what they do and no matter what others think. It helps you to stop blaming your beloved and start accepting his or her choices. This also means supporting your partner’s dreams even if they are different from yours. Finally, when you truly respect your partner, you don’t discuss your relationship issues with other people. Respect is the fertile soil which gives support for both partners to grow.
Egolessness is the fifth pillar.
In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness, as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either.
— Pema Chodron
Do we have to be enlightened? Not necessarily. However, if you take things your partner says personally when they are hurt, upset, or out of balance, you will get hurt and will start hurting them in return. Genuinely striving to find the best outcome for both is what will help you remove ego from the equation. Being able to hear and consider your partner’s points of view and looking for solutions that work for both might be that bridge that connects you two. So what is egolessness in a relationship? Primarily, it is being flexible enough to step out of our comfort zone which allows us to better understand our partner’s perspective. Egolessness also enables us to express ourselves without negative emotional charge, in a way that our beloved can easily understand.
Oftentimes our inflamed ego might make us feel that we have to guard our dignity or our “divine feminine/masculine pride.” This is how you fail hearing about your partner’s needs. The victimhood role, the “poor me” way of thinking, has not helped anyone yet either. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you don’t let your partner know when they are not being respectful. When you leave your expectations of how things should be, drop your agendas and projections and give up control, you can open up to your Higher Guidance to take over and lead you. Egolessness allows us to be guided by our Divine Self. It empowers us to naturally stop wasting our energy on things that do not serve our highest good. It will inspire you to live your life in a conscious and meaningful way and you will be inviting your partner to do the same.
Presence is the sixth pillar.
In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.
— Eckhart Tolle
When fully present, focusing on the present moment and really being there with your partner creates incredible intimacy and allows you two to bond deeply — far beyond any possible disagreements. When you are not completely present, you cannot give your partner the attention and connection they need. Presence allows you to know when it is time to deeply listen and when it is time to talk. Your presence can help you recognize your emotional addictions and patterns and can give you the power to transcend them. Your presence can allow you to hold space for your beloved to open up, to recognize, and bring up their unhealthy patterns to be healed.
Simply sitting and meditating together, you could be communicating on a level where both of your Souls are deeply connected and innately nurtured.
Honesty is the seventh pillar.
The authentic self is soul made visible.
— Sarah Ban Breathnach
When we are honest with ourselves and accept all our flaws with compassion — there is nothing to hide and no need to make things look better than they are. It is easier to make stuff up than to find a way to explain something difficult. However, this may bring only a temporary gain. In the long run, dishonesty can become a damaging habit that will install a wall of ice between you and your soulmate. We have to communicate how we feel and what we need honestly and directly instead of expecting our partner to read our mind. Being real, being your authentic true self, and being completely transparent is the way to a happy relationship as it clearly reflects the standards of the New Paradigm.
Once we heal and find integrity within ourselves, creating a much desired soulful communication becomes our reality.
Of course, we people are fast to find excuses not to take action and to stay in our comfort zone, squeezing our relationship into tight frames of our beliefs and expecting our partner to take the first step. Yet, we have everything we need to change our relationship from the one we have to the one we want. The transformation of your relationship can start with you. And that begins with a choice.